


Cabin Pressure: The First Officer Is Magic!

by IBegToDreamAndDiffer, mylia



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Douglas is apparently magic, M/M, Many Harry Potter references, Pre-Slash, Randomness, and so is Martin, but not Arthur, no seriously this is just crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-29
Updated: 2013-01-29
Packaged: 2017-11-27 11:05:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/661262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IBegToDreamAndDiffer/pseuds/IBegToDreamAndDiffer, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mylia/pseuds/mylia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur always knew Douglas was magic. Douglas, of course, is a bloody liar. And poor Martin is dragged into their shenanigans. A story co-written with the wonderful mylia11. Dialogue-only.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cabin Pressure: The First Officer Is Magic!

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** Cabin Pressure belongs to the BBC and John Finnemore. I own nothing but the plot and make no money from this story.

_[Setting: The cockpit of GERTI, Fitton airfield, who cares what time and date because it's not relevant to the story]_

 

Arthur: Douglas, can you fill the cabin with otters? Oh, oh, oh! You could turn every car into a yellow car so we have to shout "YELLOW CAR" over and over and over and over and ov-

Douglas: Yes, quiet time now, Arthur.

Martin: I blame you for this, Douglas.

Douglas: _Me_?! What did I do?

Martin: You dressed up as a wizard!

Arthur: He _is_ a wizard!

Martin: No he's not!

Arthur: Do you know Harry Potter?

Douglas: Yes Arthur, of course. Because Harry Potter is not fictional and knows every wizard on Earth.

Arthur: Can you get us to fly him somewhere?

Douglas: Ah, Arthur, you are forgetting: they have brooms.

Martin: No they don't!

Douglas: Who is the wizard here Martin?

Martin: Nobody! _Nobody_ here is a wizard!

Arthur: Douglas is a-

Martin: NO HE'S NOT!

Douglas: Did Sir wake up on the wrong side of the magic carpet today?

Arthur: Oh my God! Skip, are you a wizard too?

Martin: NO!

Arthur: Because that would be _really_ awesome! You and Douglas could play Quidditch together, and go to Diagon Alley, and... what houses were you in?

Martin: Arthur, there are _no_ houses; Douglas isn't a wizard!

Arthur: Don't worry, Skip, I won't tell anyone!

Douglas: Yes, because you're so well known for keeping a secret, Arthur.

Arthur: Yes I am.

Martin: Oh God...

Douglas: While I was graciously placed in the house of the most cunning, Slytherin, Martin here was less fortunate. He's a Hufflepuff.

Martin: I am _not_ a Hufflepuff. At the very least I'm a Ravenclaw!

Arthur: I dunno, Skip. Douglas has a point.

Martin: What point?! There is no point! Wizards don't exist!

Arthur: _Riiight_. Got you!

Douglas: What are you doing?

Arthur: Winking.

Douglas: Right... well, I think I'll just magic myself out of here and-

Arthur: TAKE ME TOO!

Douglas: No, Arthur, I can't take you.

Arthur: What? Why not? Is it because I'm a clot?

Douglas: No, it's because you're a Muggle. And remember, Muggles can't know about the Wizarding World.

Arthur: _Ohhhh_... right.

Martin: ... are you trying to wink again?

Arthur: Yeah!

Martin: Arthur, please-

Douglas: Martin, I really don't think there's any point in trying to explain it to him.

Martin: But you're getting his hopes up!

Douglas: A Happy Meal toy gets Arthur's hopes up.

Arthur: Are we getting McDonalds? Do wizards even eat McDonalds?

Douglas: Of course we do.

Arthur: Really? Are there McDonalds' in the Wizarding World?

Douglas: Of course. But we have... pumpkin sodas, and... magic pancakes, and...

Martin: The Wizarding World _does_ serve normal food, Douglas.

Arthur: You just admitted it, Skip!

Martin: No, no! I was just... I was trying... damn it!

Douglas: You can never trust a Hufflepuff.

Martin: I'M NOT A HUFFLEPUFF!

Arthur: Don't worry, Skip, I promised not to tell.

Douglas: And just for that, you might make an excellent Gryffindor.

Martin: Wait, how does Arthur become a Gryffindor while I'm stuck as a Hufflepuff?

Douglas: Ask the Sorting Hat, not me.

Martin: But you just-

Carolyn: What is going on here?

Douglas: Ah, the beast of the castle has arrived.

Arthur: Does that mean Mum is the three-headed dog?

Douglas: More or less.

Martin: Douglas is making Arthur think that he's a wizard.

Douglas: I'm not _making_ him do anything; that's illegal, you know.

Arthur: Yeah, Skip: _illegal_.

Douglas: Alas, Hufflepuffs have terrible memory-

Martin: I'm not a Hufflepuff!

Douglas: -and terrible issues regarding acceptance.

Carolyn: Martin, don't be silly: you can't be anything _but_ a Hufflepuff.

Martin: I'm not a Hufflepuff! I can be brave and... and clever... and sneaky.

Douglas: No, you really can't.

Arthur: Cheer up, Skip; we'll still be best friends. Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs can be mates, you know.

Martin: Whatever.

Douglas: Now don't pout, Sir-

Martin: I'm not pouting!

Douglas: - you still have us.

Carolyn: I thought Slytherins only made friends with other Slytherins.

Douglas: Only because we're such a misunderstood bunch.

Arthur: Well, Douglas, you _did_ create the most dark wizard in centuries.

Martin: Years.

Douglas: What?

Martin: Years. Before Voldemort-

Arthur: Don't say his name!

Martin: - there was Grindelwald.

Douglas: Your knowledge of Harry Potter villains is sad.

Martin: Well you should know all this; you _are_ a wizard, aren't you?

Arthur: Yeah, Douglas!

Carolyn: Yes, Douglas, you _did_ say that.

Douglas: Carolyn, you weren't even here for that.

Carolyn: That doesn't mean you didn't say it.

Douglas: Let me prove to you my wizarding powers... _[Pulls flowers from his sleeve]_

Arthur: _Wow_ , that was amazing! What can you do, Skip?

Martin: W-What... what can I do?

Carolyn: Well, you did say you were a wizard as well.

Martin: Did I?

Douglas: I seem to recall that quite clearly, Sir.

Martin: Oh, um... okay. I can.. fly an aeroplane? Without... without using the controls!

Douglas: ... would Sir like to demonstrate?

Martin: D-D-Demonstrate?

Douglas: Yes, would Sir like to demonstrate this neat trick of his?

Martin: I... I... I... I-

Douglas: Yes, _you_ , Sir.

Martin: Well... uh... I...

Arthur: Oh come on, Skip!

Carolyn: Yes, come on, Martin. Prove to us that you're just as good as Douglas here.

Martin: I'm better!

Arthur: Show us then, Skip! Come on, come on, come on-

Douglas: Stop bouncing up and down, Arthur, you're giving me a headache.

Arthur: - come on, come on- oh, Douglas, does using too much magic give you a headache?

Douglas: ... yes.

Martin: It was just flowers.

Douglas: And Sir is yet to show us _his_ powers.

Martin: Oh... I... I-

Douglas: Yes, let's not do the whole "I-I-I" thing again, shall we?

Martin: ...

Carolyn: We're waiting.

Martin: I... can't.

Douglas: Can't?

Martin: That's what I said.

Douglas: And why not?

Martin: I... well... b-because Arthur and Carolyn are Muggles, and it's illegal to perform magic in front of Muggles, I could go to Azkaban, so no thank you.

Arthur: But Skip!

Martin: No, Douglas might be willing to risk prison but I'm not! And that's my final word!

Douglas: Has Sir quite forgotten my position in the Wizarding World?

Martin: What do you mean?

Douglas: Oh yes, I seem to recall you declining my invitation to the inaugural party.

Martin: Douglas, what-

Douglas: I've recently become the Minister of Magic.

Martin: WHAT?!

Arthur: Oh, Douglas, that's BRILLIANT!

Carolyn: Does this mean you no longer have to work at MJN Air?

Douglas: I like to keep my day job, thank you.

Carloyn: What a shame.

Martin: I- I- what?

Douglas: So you see, I can pull a few strings and you can show them your amazing magical skills.

Martin: B-But... but-

Douglas: Or you can go on knowing you'll never be as good as me. Your choice.

Carolyn: So, Martin, what will it be?

Martin: I-I... I... I-

Douglas: Oh, we're going that again, are we?

Martin: Douglas!

Douglas: Why is Sir whispering?

Martin: _Douglas_!

Douglas: Yes?

Martin: I can't fly a bloody plane without touching the controls!

Douglas: Dear me. It seems Sir has made a grave error.

Martin: Douglas!

Arthur: What's wrong, Skip?

Carolyn: Yes, Martin, I thought you were showing us your magic.

Martin: I... c-can't.

Arthur: What? Why not?

Martin: I... er... m-my wand was taken.

Douglas: Oh dear, why was that?

Martin: B-Because...

Douglas: We'll need a bit more information than that, Martin.

Martin: I- I- I-

Douglas: Yes?'

Martin: ... I...

Douglas: _[Sighs]_ Oh wait, I seem to remember now.

Arthur: You do?

Carolyn: Pray tell.

Douglas: Martin here... went after Dementors tormenting his family.

Arthur: Oh no!

Douglas: Oh yes. They were sucking the joy out of their lives, which is usually Martin's job-

Martin: Hey!

Douglas: So he decided to sacrifice his secret in order for them to go off and live happy lives.

Arthur: Oh God, Skip. You really should've been a Gryffindor.

Martin: Um... yes, I suppose so.

Carolyn: Right. Now get off GERTI before even magic can't fix you.

Douglas: But Martin and I were-

Carolyn: Douglas, I don't care. Get off, go home, do... whatever it is you do when you're not here.

Douglas: Well-

Carolyn: Shut up. _[Exits GERTI]_

Arthur: That's just horrible, Skip.

Martin: Yes, um... thank you.

Arthur: Douglas, you really shouldn't tease Skip by performing magic when he can't.

Douglas: Excuse me?

Arthur: You just made him feel bad! You should apologise.

Martin: ... yes, Douglas, you should apologise.

Douglas: I...

Arthur: Come on, Douglas!

Martin: Yes; come on, Douglas.

Douglas: ... oh, look at the time. _Sorry_ , I really must be off.

Arthur: Douglas!

Douglas: Now your mother _did_ say that she wanted us off her aeroplane so really, we should go.

Martin: Of course we bloody must.

Douglas: See you tomorrow, gents.

 

~~~

 

_[Setting: Carpark at Fitton airfield, a few minutes later]_

 

Martin: Wait, Douglas!

Douglas: Yes, Martin?

Martin: Why did you save me? When everyone was forcing me to do magic, you saved me.

Douglas: I have no idea what you're talking about, Sir. Maybe prolonged exposure to Arthur has addled your mind.

Martin: ... well, I still accept your apology.

Douglas: What apology?

Martin: When you said "sorry, I really must be off" earlier, you looked straight at me. You apologised!

Douglas: Wow, with deductions like that you must be Sherlock Holmes rather than Harry Potter.

Martin: Douglas!

Douglas: Yes?

Martin: Just... thank you.

Douglas: Whatever. I will be seeing you tomorrow, Martin.

Martin: See you too... unless the Minister has other obligations.

Douglas: Well, he may have one or two other things he has to do...

Martin: I call shotgun on the broom!

Douglas: Who said anything about brooms? Apparition is the only way to travel. _[Douglas takes Martin's arm and Martin blushes]_ Shall we?

Martin: ... i-if the Minister insists.

Douglas: The law is being passed as we speak.

Martin: Then let's be off!

Announcer That Totally Sounds Like Benedict Cumberbatch: And that was Cabin Pressure! Written by mylia11 and IBegToDreamAndDiffer! It starred Stephanie Cole as Carolyn, Roger Allam as Douglas, Benedict Cumberbatch as Martin, and John Finnemore as Arthur! It featured pure randomness brought to you by slightly unstable minds and we hope you enjoyed the story! This has been posted on Fanfiction.Net and AO3!

 

{THE END}

 


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